


Something Witty and Unexpected

by fallingivy



Series: Something witty [2]
Category: Deadpool - All Media Types
Genre: F/M, Fluff and Crack, Fluff and Smut, Sequel
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-08-09
Updated: 2020-08-08
Packaged: 2020-08-13 16:56:27
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 17
Words: 12,458
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20177659
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fallingivy/pseuds/fallingivy
Summary: Wade and Maria have finally done the do. What happens now is not suitable for an afterschool special, but is definately more fun. Expect more bad puns, bad jokes, and boxes that try to take over the conversation.





	1. Something Painfully Normal

**Author's Note:**

> I have plans. We shall see how long they last once confronted with enemy forces. Excuse the typos, and errors, and please feed me. You keep the story alive.

"I hate the world." I announced from my cocoon of blankets. The rocky road ice cream was gone, and I was almost out of oreos and life sucked. 

"Sweet heart, I have two more cartons of ice cream." Wafe informed me. I looked over at him, wearily. I made grabby hands at him. He dutifully fetched more ice cream from the freezer. 

Blue box: Can I light my uterus on fire? 

Yellow box: Probably, but from experience, burning internal organs isn't as fun as you think it is.

White box: The smell alone… 

Wade returned with a gallon of ice cream and two Starbucks frappuccinos. 

Blue box: Marry me. 

White box: What, no ring? 

"If you like it the you'd better but a ring on it!" Wade sang, doing a little Beyonce dance. I almost smiled. 

"Are you sure there isn't any pain medication that works?" I begged, for the third time. 

"Copious amounts of vodka, constantly." He answered. I wrinkled my nose. "I have five liters, just in case."

Blue box: Again, marry me.

"I have a proposal planned already." He confessed."But finding the right mariachi band to play Celine Dion is harder than you'd think." 

I tried to laugh and groaned. 

Blue box: Mother nature is a cruel mistress. 

"You know I read that orgasms help with that." Wade suggested. 

"Isn't that gross?" I asked. Wade shrugged. 

"You help me clean my own guts off in the shower Saturday." He reminded me. "Blood is more familiar than lube." 

Blue box: You would make an excellent Vampire. 

White box: As long as I don't sparkle. 

Yellow box: Liar, you so want to sparkle. 

Blue box: He's right, you ranted about it yesterday. There were unicorns and werewolves involved. 

White box: But I need fangs.

Yellow box: And a coffin. 

Blue box: We can paint it with glitter. 

"How about I get you in a nice warm showed and finger you until your legs give out?" Wade offered. 

"Maybe." I sighed. 

Blue box: Carry me there and tell me I'm pretty. 

"You are both powerful and beautiful." Wade told me, carefully parting the blankets. 

"Liar." I told him, lift my arms to be picked up.

Blue box: Keep it coming, and you are totally getting a BJ. 

"You're strong." He said, kissing my forehead. "And the only woman I want to be with."

White box: Except Death. 

Blue box: Threesome?

Yellow box: You're perfect.


	2. Giving all the gracias.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Happy Thankgiving! Wade and Maria have a few guests over.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading. No beta, still writing on my phone. Comments and kudos are love.

"Happy Thanksgiving!" Wade shout to Weasel as he walked in the apartment. Weasel shoved a bottle into Wade's hands. 

"Whiskey." Weasel informed Wade. "Wine is for soccer moms and tourists." Wade accepted the bottle with a grin. His scars stretched over his mouth as he truly smiled. 

"What a wonderful addition to our family dinner!" He said delightedly. 

Blue box: Start pouring and hope it's not rot gut.

"Thanks Weasel." I thanked him politely. "That's nice of you.

"I ordered too many." He admitted, trying to push the praise away. Maybe we can drink that face away." 

"Go talk to Al," Wade suggested. "I think she's trying to spike the ginger ale."

I was busy running around trying to finish up the meal prep. Wade had done most of the actual cooking, and all of the baking, but I was putting it in serving dishes and getting the condiments together. 

Colossus was over, breaking the couch, while chatting with Dominio. Negasonic and Yukio were looking through Wade's movie collection while commenting and whispering to each other. Dopinder was over admiring Wade's display of swords and knives on the wall. 

I had to keep an eye on Dopinder. He had already tried out one of the swords. He was going to poke his eye out. Maybe we should get him one for Christmas. 

There was another knock on the door. Wade answered it, letting Clint inside. Clint gave Wade a lazy salute. 

"Reporting for duty." Clint said, and presented a shopping bag. 

"Ice cream!" Wade exclaimed. 

"Bacon ice cream." Clint boasted excitedly. Wade dug through the bag. 

"And Jalapeno!" He said delighted. 

"I heard it's guaranteed to burn your mouth." Clint informed him. 

"Soups on!" I announced to the gathering crowd. Wade quickly put the ice cream in the freezer and joined us as we all took our places at the table. 

Wade have gone all out. There was a giant enchilada ring, pull apart nacho pizza, burrito egg rolls, stuff chillis and more. I ceremonially handed Wade the knife and he took it with reverence. He began the carve the enchilada, and handed it out. 

"This better not be doctored." Al threatened. Wade laughed. 

"Of course not." Wade promised. "That would hurt Maria too." Al grumbled. "Why don't you hand me your plate, you bat." Al searched in front of her and felt for her plate. She frowned, and felt around the edges of it. She held it out in Wade's general direction cursing under her breath.

"I'm not eating off your dick." Al informed Wade, handing over the penis shaped plate. It even had balls for the sides. Wade laughed and switched plates with her anyway, handing her the loaded one. 

"Ve are happy to be invited, Deadpool." Colossus said, frowning at the plate and the naked mermaid centerpiece. "But I do not believe the holiday is like this for normal, no?" Wade shrugged and started eating. 

"It is here." I informed him. 

Blue box: Normal is overrated. 

Yellow box: And Mexican food is not.

We all ate well into the night, drinking the bottle of whiskey and another of vodka between the eight of us. Weasel left to get back to the bar, taking Al home. Colossus took the completely sober Negasonic and Yukio back the the mansion. 

"Ve must have you visit soon." Colossus reminded Wade. "Ve Professor is excited to meet you." 

"Wait, Stewart or McAvoy?" Wade asked, brushing crumbs off his kiss the cook apron.

Yellow box: My spank bank needs to know.

White box: Also, mind reading creeps me out. 

Blue box: But me reading your boxes doesn't? 

"Reciprocity." He informed me. "Equality and Feminism and Homeostasis." 

Blue box: You're just using big words because you can, aren't you?

"Thank you for the mochi, Yukio." I said instead. She smiled and waved to us. 

"Bye Wade! Bye Maria!" She waved as she left. 

"Bye Yukio!" We both echoed. 

Yellow box: Sweet girl. 

Blue box: Cute couple. 

White box: Awesome name. 

The door closed behind them.

Blue box: Sing it like you're a pizza eating turtle. 

"Negasonic Teenage Warhead. Negasonic Teenage Warhead!" He half sang, half chanted. I grinned. 

"And on that high note, I'm going to go home." Clint announced, standing up and draining the last of his drink. Wade pulled a pie out of the fridge for him. 

"Made you an extra one to take home." Wade said, handing over the pie with a smile. Clint gave him a smile back. 

"Thanks man." Clint said gratefully, taking the pie. "Kate's watching Lucky and I need to bribe her." Wade chuckled. "We'll get together and do that course soon." Clint had told Wade about a shooting and obstacle course he was setting up. 

The two fist bumped and Clint left. 

"What do you say we leave the dishes and go have obnoxiously loud sex." Wade suggested. I grinned.

Blue box: My turn to wear the sombrero? 

"Of course, senorita." Wade said offering his arm to escort me to the bedroom. 

White box: Grab the rest of the cherry pie. 

Blue box: I'm kinda full... 

Yellow box: White wants to eat it off you. 

"White has great ideas."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know if you want sombrero smut, or more cameos.


	3. Brain waves and brain bleach.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Maria and Wade visit the X Mansion.

Blue box: I think I might be sick.

"I told you not to eat that sixth taco." Wade reminded me teasingly. Logan was taking us through the winding maze of the mansion, and I was trying to stay calm. 

"My thoughts are not pretty." I warned, biting my lip. 

"And you think mine are sunshine and rainbows?" Logan said over his shoulder. I frowned at Logan's surprisingly helpful comment. 

"I guarantee Baldie has heard worse." Wade piped in. 

Blue box: I have detailed fanfiction porn starring him looping in my head right now.

White box: Eh. Sometimes we picture midget dungeon scat porn to see if he will crack.

"Its always disappointing." Wade added. 

"I'll try." I promised. Poor guy must buy brain bleach in bulk.

Logan led us into a comfortably decorated office that looked like someone spilt 'authentic English' all over the place. There was a tea set laid out on an honest to goodness tea tray. I tried and failed to not imagine the butler and the maid having overly polite sex while saying 'heavens to betsy.'

"Welcome to The Mansion." The professor greeted. It felt like a capitalized word. Mansion. Capital place. 

Blue box: I'm sorry for picturing porn about you. 

*Don't worry.* the professor's voice spoke in my head. *Its not the first time.* his humor was so dry I needed a drink. 

"Because you went to highschool." I said, thinking about horny teens. 

White box: Because teenagers are horn dogs. 

Yellow box: Everyone is a horn dog. Teenagers are just bad at hiding it.

Blue box: Unless your asexual.

"Valid." Wade 

White box: Yellow still hasn't bothered hiding it. 

"I'm familiar with his antics." I agreed. 

"Just like I told you, Professor." Logan said, sidetracking us. "Some sort of mind reading."

"Not quite." Professor X corrected. I smiled at him. "The mental presence they both have is quite similar. Or similar wavelengths, if you will. Because of this, certain things can get through to each other." Like written messages. "I doubt they can access anyone else's thoughts. The amount of mental comparability required is astounding." He paused. "I'd appreciate it if you would both give us a blood sample to test before you leave." The Professor asked. I agreed. Wade shrugged.

Yellow box: We really are two peas in a pod.

Blue box: The Kirk to my Spock.

White box: The Spike to my Angel.

"That would be explosive." I pointed out.

Blue box: But hot.

"Exactly." Wade agreed.


	4. Oops.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sometimes the unexpected, just happens.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Long time, no write. The muse has gripped me, and there will be another chapter soon.

The smell of gingerbread and sugary goodness was just short of overpowering. Our Gingerbread Mansion was coming along nicely. 

Blue box: Why is that one half marshmallow?

White box: Because the page boy is the result of the illicit union between the Marshmallow Master's daughter and the licorish butler. Their love child is an open secret, to everyone but the oblivious Master of the house. 

My phone rang as I was forming tootsie roll shingles. It was Hank.

"Good morning!" I greeted into the phone brightly. "Did you find anything interesting?" Hank cleared his throat. 

"Yes, actually." He said. I furrowed my brow, wondering what it could be. "Your lab work showed the x gene, with a similar make up to other healing factors." 

"Nothing surprising yet." I said, trying to get him to get to the point. 

"You are a mutant, and we would be happy to help you adjust to your powers." Hank continued, voice a little nervous. I frowned. Wade set the icing down slowly.

"And the interesting part you're avoiding is?" I asked leadingly. Hank sighed. 

"I found elevated HGC levels in excess of 34 mlU/ml." Hank said, voice apologetic. That sounded vaguely familiar. And needlessly scientific.

"I don't speak alphabet soup." I informed him. 

"Given your healing factor and absence of any other anomalies, this elevated hormone level can have one likely scenario." Hank explained. I hummed, annoyed. "You're pregnant." 

"What?" I said flatly. That was… What? 

"You're pregnant." Hank repeated. "I'd like you to come in for some more tests and an ultrasound." I said something affirming and hung up. I set down the phone and clutched my bag of icing a little tight. 

"What's wrong?" Wade asked, concerned and urgent. I shook my head. 

"Nothing."

Blue box: I'm pregnant.

Wade froze. He took a deep breath, and stood. Then he turned around and left the apartment. I don't think he was wearing shoes. 

My grip of the icing tightened and the bag exploded all over me. I burst into tears. 

Blue box: Wade would have licked it off. 

I cried a little more and went to take a shower to clean up. The shower was one of those rainfall two person ones. Wade loved it. 

I wondered where I would live now. Would he if come back, or send someone? I didn't think he would leave me homeless. He wasn't that guy. But he was obviously done with me. 

Done with us.

I'm not sure how long I cried on the floor of the shower before I heard the apartment door open. 

Wade was calling my name. I let the water wash away the tear tracks and got out to face the music. After wrapping up in a robe, and wishing I had a pastel power suit to face him in, I opened the door Wade was rapidly tapping on. 

White box: Total MILF.

"What?" I asked intelligently, for the who cares show many times today. 

I took in the sight of him. He was wearing a broad grin. He was also wearing a tee shirt that said 'Baby Daddy' in bold letters. It looked homemade. I stared at it. 

"Don't worry, I got you one too." Wade promised whipping out my very own 'Baby Mama' tee shirt. I swallowed. 

Blue box: Does this mean you're not leaving me?

"What?" Wade asked, at the same time Yellow box read the same thing.

White box: Dumbass.

Yellow box: But we had to buy the cake.

"Cake?" I asked.

Wade dragged me into the kitchen, where there was a huge sheet cake the loudly proclaimed 'Congratulations on the broken condom.' 

I started crying and wrapped my arms around Wade.

"Why are you crying?" He asked.

Blue box: You are insane and I love you.

Yellow box: Ditto


	5. Double Oops.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Visiting the doctor.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for the love. This is a labour of love and insanity, and I love every minute of it. Please comment and kudo and read and share the love and insanity.

"Good morning my fuzzy blue friend." Wade happily greeted the doctor. 

Blue box: I am going to stab you in your disgustingly cheerful face. 

Yellow box: Yessm, Dear.

"Welcome!" Hank greeted us as Logan escorted us in. "We're here to get a better idea of you...condition, yes?" I scowled at Wade.

Blue box: With knives and explosions and fire.

White box: Overkill. I approve

"I cant believe you knocked up the lady." Logan teased Wade. Damn right I'm a lady. 

"We're over the moon." Wade glowed. 

Blue box: Fuck you.

"Aw, sweeties. You say the nicest things." Wade gushed. I ignored Wade's hand and hopped on the exam table. I crossed my arms. 

"What did you do to piss her off?" Logan asked with a laugh. "Usually she acts like the sun shines out of your ass." Wade patted my head. I snapped my teeth at him. 

"Caffeine is bad for the baby." Wade recited. I growled. 

"Actually, in moderation, caffeine is fine." Hank corrected. "The main problem is that the toxicity can build when you are pregnant, and that might not even be a problem with your biology." 

Blue box: Get me my fucking coffee.

"Now." I snarled. 

White box: Yes ma'am.

Yellow box: She's scary when she's angry.

"Right away, Dear." Wade promised, scrambling slightly. Logan grabbed his arm.

"I'll show you the closest machine." He offered. "Just because you're a dumbass doesn't mean she should shuffer."

Blue box: Adopt me.

Yellow box: I don't think we could handle protective Dad Wolvie. 

Blue box: Then get me my damn coffee.

I held my arm out wordlessly to Hank as the other two men left. Hank drew the blood carefully and quickly, wiping away the spot of blood with an alcohol swab after. I stared longingly at the Hello Kitty bandaids. I could see them, but I didn't get one. I tried not to pout.

Hank set up the ultrasound machine, as we had no idea how pregnant I was. He rambled about testing for risk factors and I tuned him out. 

Wade came in with two cups. I made grabby hands. 

Blue box: Gimme.

Yellow box: We're sorry. 

I took the first cup and drained it with a happy moan. The second, I savoured as Hank spread gel on my stomach. 

The wand moved around for a minute before pausing. Wade grabbed my coffee free hand and squeezed. 

"And there is your bundle of joy! About 5 weeks." Hank announced. I didn't see anything. Wade squeezed harder and seemed to be tearing up.

"I want all the pictures." He ordered. Hank took a snap and searched for other angles. Then he frowned. He moved it and frowned again. 

"What's wrong?" Wade demanded. Hank shook off his frown. 

"Well." He paused. "There's your baby." He pulled up an image of a blurry dot. Wade cooed. I shrugged. Hank moved the wand to show another view of the dot. "And there's your other baby." 

Blue box: Fuck.

"I am going to be huge." I moaned.

Yellow box: And so will your boobs.


	6. Not Dead yet

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After a long hiatus, I have returned... and wrote smut with a side of blasphemy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Love to those who stayed with me. I hope you are all safe in these crazy times. Dadpool is still continuing, and I have vague plans for a few chapters. Wade won't tell me any more of the story than that right now. Address all complaints to my muse, please. They've been slacking on the job. No beta. We die like men. in a mankind sort of non gendered way.

"Is it my birthday?" Wade asked, confused, as he entered the bedroom. I was on the bed, massaging my sore breasts. Wade looked me up and down in appreciation. I groaned in complaint.

“My boobs hurt.” I whined. Wade made sympathetic noises. Then he made grabby hands. 

Yellow box: Let us massage them for you: Give your hands a break. 

White box: We happily volunteer to be your bra. 

“Guaranteed to be supportive and now with minimal cum stains.” Wade recited, voice upbeat, channeling the great Billy Mays.. I chuckled slightly.

Blue box: Have at it big boy.

Wade squealed in glee and replaced my hands with his own. I groaned in relief as his hand began to massage, just on the right side of firm. 

Blue box: You have great hands. 

“Thank you, I moisturize.” Wade said with fake bashfulness. I moaned as Wade flicked over a nipple. He really did have great hands. Bumpy, but strong and good, the endurance!

White box: We have the lotion and tissues to prove it. 

“Gross.” I said, tone mildly disapproving.

Blue box: You should grab the lotion and fuck my breasts. 

“You have the best ideas.” Wade agreed happily. He reached over to the nightstand and pulled out two bottles. “Coconut breeze, or chocolate thunder?” 

“Chocolate.” I said immediately. 

Yellow box: You did get it under the theory that a chocolate smelling dick would get more blowjobs.

Blue box: Good theory. Should test that. 

“Right after I massage your breast with my dick.” Wade agreed. I lay flat on the bed and Wade kneeled over my stomach, dick between my breasts. He massaged them for a moment, making me groan. He smiled. “Can’t forget the important part!” He pumped some of the chocolaty mess over his hands and rubbed it all over my breasts and his dick. It was cool, but not cold. His hands did run warm, as did the rest of him. 

Yellow box: If this is another hallucination I am going to be so pissed. 

White box: flick her nipples again. She likes that.

“Great idea.” Wade flicked one nipple and then the other, causing two choked gasps of pleasure. God they were sensitive, if God was a thing. And had a direct interest in the status of my boobs.

Blue box: Is God a boob man?

Wade squeezed my breasts and pressed them together, starting to pump his erection in the soft, hot, crevice. 

Yellow box: I know that this looks like heaven to me. 

White box: And Jesus definitely sucked a titty.

“I don’t know whether to be horrified or aroused by that thought.” I said, a little breathless, Wade’s hands kneading and his dick slick and hard and pressing up against me in quick motions. Great hands. Great dick. 

“Go with aroused.” Wades suggested. “It’ill make this more fun.” He used the distraction to pinch one of my nipples as he trust and grunted a little in his own pleasure. 

“They always say Jesus should be part of any relationship.” I said, breathless. 

“Fuck baby.” Wade bit out. “I’m not sure if I’m turned on by the breasts or the banter more.” His trust sped up 

“Lucky for you, the only thing you have to choose is how to make me come.” I teased. 

Blue box: After you give me a stylish pearl necklace. 

Wade groaned and squeezed hard and came between my breasts, smearing the cum up and down my front. A bit landed on my chin.

Yellow box: 11 out of 10. Would fuck again.

I looked up at him and licked off the stray bit of come. He growled. 

“You stay right like that.” He ordered. “My mouth is going to get really friendly with your pussy.”

Blue box: Pet the kitty nice and she’ll ride you later.

“Yes ma’am.” Wade saluted, then got to work.


	7. Rooftop tacos and other disasters

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> An idealic rooftop picnic with a special guest turns sour when Things 1 and 2 disapprove.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Two Friday's in a row. and I think I might have hit a groove. Expect weekly updates for at least the next 5 weeks, hopefully all the way to September! I have plans. Comments and Kudos keep me alive. I love you all, just for reading. And the only beta I have is my imaginary version of Wade, so feel free to blame him.

“And that’s how I accidentally stole 30 million in diamonds from a Swedish prostitute.” Wade finished with a flourish, gesticulating wildly with a mostly empty carton of Yoohoo. Spiderman casually leaned out of the way of the chocolaty spray at precisely the right moment. 

Blue box: Its like he has a sixth sense.

Yellow box: More like a 21st sense. 

White box: People always forget about equilibrioception. 

“Mr. Deadpool, Sir.” Spiderman said hesitantly. “I really should be patrolling.”

“Not until after dinner!” Wade exclaimed. “I slaved over a hot stove all day for you and this is the thanks I get?” He crossed his arms, petulant. “You don’t appreciate me!” 

“I appreciate you.” Was my quick rebuttal.

Blue box: I appreciate that ass.

“Yellow box: It’s all yours baby cakes.

“Delivery for a Mr. Pool?” Yelled a young man from the street below.

“Be right back!” Wade nearly shouted before repelling off the roof and down the side of the building.

“I really should be going home soon.” Spiderman excused, scooting towards the edge of the roof. “You know… school is early… learning… important meals of the day?” He slung one leg over the side of the roof.

“School during WInter Break?” I asked, eyebrow raised. We could hear Wade climbing up the side of the building, yelling at the delivery man to ‘take his goddamn tip.’ “You wouldn’t want to disappoint us, would you Spidey? You’re our hero!” I pouted. Spiderman groaned and slumped back over to the picnic cloth spread out over the rooftop. 

“He whines so loudly.” Spiderman complained lowly. 

“Another reason why super senses suck.” I nodded. Spidey sighed and took another Yoohoo. Wade came over the side with his Hello Kitty backpack stuffed full as I opened Spiderman’s Yoohoo for him and handed it back. Straw wrappers are hard in gloves, so I had been designated drink opener. It was important to have a job.

Blue box: What is that awful smell?

“I present to you the wonder of a Taco Bell buffet!” Wade announced, unloading bags of fast food onto the roof. The smell was overpowering. 

Blue box: Get the fuck out of my way.

I ran to the edge of the roof and emptied my stomach over the side. My guts were trying their best to become external. I retched again at the taste of vomit as I heard Wade walk over behind me. A gloved hand soothed down the fishtail braid Wade had lovingly crafted that morning and soothingly ran his hand down my back. He tried to hand me his Yoohoo. I looked up and glared at him. 

Blue box: If you want me to have chocolate flavored vomit, sure.

White box: Water, moron,

Wade reached into one of his many pouched and pulled out a small sports bottle covered in glittery and shiny stickers. I raised an eyebrow and tried not to gag.

“Water.” Wade swore. “Just water.” He popped the top and handed it to me. I took it and rinsed me mouth out, spiting over the side. 

Yellow box: Sexy.

Blue box: Blow me.

White box: Whenever you want dearest. 

Yellow box: Except in front of Spider kid.

“Because that is a hard limit baby, we talked about that.” Wade whined. I rolled me eyes and accepted the mint Wade handex me, popping it into my mouth. I sighed and looked longingly at the pile of tacos that Spiderboy was eyeing in between bouts of watching us like we were TMZ. 

Blue box: Your spawn don’t like tacos.

“Blasphemy!” He shouted, hand over heart. I looked pointedly from the tacos over the edge of the roof to the splatter of vomit below. “My spawn would never betray me like that!” I crossed my arms and bit down on the mint viciously. 

“No spawn of mine would ever reject Mexican food.” I accused. “It’s your Canadian heritage.” Wade gasped. 

“Canada!” He cried. “How could you betray me like this! My home and native land!” He fell to his knees in front of me with knee cracking force, then gently kissed the bump. “It’s OK, spawn.” He soothed them. “You just don’t know better, young padawan.” I smiled in spite of myself. 

Blue box: Baby’s can’t eat tacos.

Yellow box: But I can start indoctrinating them.

White box: Their first words will be Enchilada and Chimichanga.

Yellow box: Those sound like good names.

“No.” I softed the decree by patting his head. “Thing 1 and Thing 2 need names that their teachers can spell.” 

“That’s not fair.” He pouted. 

Blue box: Nobody said it would be fair.

I took another drink of water while Wade started listing names, starting with the Golden Girls and skipping right to the Bible. He stopped when I pointed at Spiderman trying to slink off the roof. He clapped and rushed over to the food, shoving it all in the backpack. Spiderman was frozen. He barely unfroze enough to accept the backpack when it was shoved into his arms. 

“I am so sorry about rescheduling on you like this.” He apologize. He pulled out a small package wrapped in paper that sprinkled red glitter everywhere. “I had a whole speech prepared, but Happy Chrismahanukwanzakah.” Spiderman accepted the small package with a jerky nod. Wade sighed. “Bun in the oven, you know? Well, enjoy the tacos, we’ll stalk you later!” Wade waved practically in Spiderman’s face and then rushed over to me. I waved at the shocked Spiderman. 

"Bun... Oven?" He sputtered. "I am so not babysitting."

Yellow box: He is so baby sitting.

“Come on babe.” Wade said, taking my hand and leading me toward the roof access. “Let’s get you to a Starbucks.” 

Blue box: I knew there was a reason I loved you.


	8. Dress woes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The dress was supposed to perfect. Spoiler: Its not. Wade has it covered.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Early. I was inspired. Might post again on Friday too. Comment and Kudos are love.

The dress was gorgeous. The strapless corset top was beaded black flowers in Tulle lace framing the breasts and giving the bodice an asymmetric bottom. The translucent Tulle fabric shimmered over the nearly blood red under fabric. The dress continued all the way to the tips of my new red pumps. Wade had bought the outfit for me specially for the private ball he had swung us invites to. It fit perfectly. 

Or at least it had three weeks ago when we bought it. 

“Wade!” I called. He stuck his head in from the bathroom where he was steaming his suit. 

“What is it Love Muffin?” He asked sweetly. I huffed, trying to do the zipper.

“Can you help me with the zipper?” I begged. This was only slightly embarrassing. 

“At your service, Pumpkin Pie!” He set down the steamer and grinned at me, giving me a slow once over before he walked over. I couldn’t help but laugh when he added an exaggerated lick of his lips. He took this as a compliment, of course. He loved making me laugh. 

He got into place behind me and tried to start the zipper. It wouldn’t budge much at all and the dress felt very tight. 

“It fit when we got it.” I reminded him unnecessarily. He hummed. I sighed as he ran his hands over my hand and sides. He tried adjusting the dress and moved his hands around front. He paused and hummed thoughtfully. Then ran his hands over my stomack and sides before unzipping the dress all the way. I frowned and turned to looked at him. 

“Humor me.” He said, with eyebrow raised. I shrugged and let him help me out of the dress. He laid it carefully on the bed. I watched, interested and confused. Then he beckoned me over to the bed. 

Blue box: If this involves glitter I will be so pissed. The party is in three hours. 

Yellow box: No glitter.

White box: Not even a prank. 

“Promise.” Wade swore. I came over to his side and he slid me into his arms, my back to his chest. We looked down at the frustrating mass of Tulle. Wade cleared his throat, a little nervous. 

“What is it?” I asked, confused. 

“Look in the mirror on the closet.” Wade instructed. I did. I could see me and parts of Wade. I frowned. 

“What am I looking at?” I asked, frustrated. What does this have to do with the dress? Then I watched Wade’s hands move from my hips over my stomach. I frowned and then realized his hands were caressing an unmistakable bump. 

Blue box: I’m going to be the size of a house.

Yellow box: A beautiful house. 

I elbowed him lightly, and he offed in faux offense and moved away obligingly. I closed my eyes. My body was being taken over. Little invaders. Like little aliens. I groaned. 

“Now I don’t have a dress to wear.” I complained. Wade clucked at me and rushed out of the room. I frowned, and went to follow, but he was back in seconds. He was carrying a dress bag. It had a red bow and it. 

“This was a Christmas Present, but you can just have it now!” He said brightly. He held it as I unzipped the bag. It was Crepe. Red again, with black accents, but that was not surprise, as he liked me in his colors. It was a sheath dress, but it definitely looked more forgiving, and possibly silk lining. I thanked him breathlessly and kissed him soundly. He helped me get it out and try it on. 

It zipped. 

I sighed in relief and Wade kissed the side of my head. Wade went back to getting ready, leaving me to finish my own rituals. I looked at myself in the mirror and smiled. The dress was beautiful. Then I turned to the side. There is was. The bump. 

And it would only get bigger from here.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What do you think? How do think Maria feels about this pregnancy? Is Wade's behavior realistic? Or as realistic as Deadpool gets?


	9. Party time

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Its a Stark Party. Something Dramatic was bound to happen.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No outline. No beta. No guilt. Please let me know what you think. Lots of love.

The party was gearing up when we got there. The man at the door almost didn’t let us in, what with Wade wearing his Deadpool mask and gloves with his suit. I was about to step back in case Wade decided violence was necessary when Black Widow walked up. The guard simultaneously looked relieved and nervous. Natasha’s dress made me drool with envy. 

Blue box: Holy shit those are some amazing breasts. Do they feel as awesome as they look?

Yellow box: It might be worth the pain and misery she would rain down to try and ask to touch. 

White box: Sexual Harassment is bad. If you know it will be unwelcome, You’re a douche bag who deserves to stabbed in the dick. 

Blue box: But can we agree that if either of of gets a shot at that, we take it? 

Yellow box: As long as their is an equal exception for America’s Ass. 

White box: You can smell the patriotism. 

Yellow box: Also, his tits are almost as nice as yours.

Blue box: Down boy. Also hell yes. Threesome goals.

Yellow box: Don’t give up. Foursome goals. 

“If you cause too much trouble, I will personally remove you.” Natasha threatened, looked meaningfully at Wade. Wade and I broke our little side conversation to realize that she had gotten us in. 

“Yes ma’am.” Wade reported, with a little salute. It was cute. 

Blue box: You’re imagining saying Ma’am to her in a different context, aren’t you. Maybe even Mistress? 

Wade shuddered slightly as we followed Natasha in. I kept in the laughter, barely. I really didn’t want the Black Widow to think I was laughing at her threat. I shuddered a bit myself at the thought, completely removing the desire to laugh. We were a little cowed as we entered the party. Wade was looking everywhere but Natasha’s butt, and ended up bumping into a pillar with his usual grace. 

“I see you made it.” Clint said, coming around the other side of the pillar and handing Natasha a drink. She smiled at him and accepted. 

“Wouldn’t miss it for the world.” Wade promised. 

“It’s so exciting to be invited to a Stark Party.” I admitted, looking around, taking in the sights, dazzled.

Yellow box: That was an abuse of commas.

White box: How does your beta sleep at night?

“Let’s get you some drinks and I’ll introduce you to the people least likely to try to stab you.” Clint offered. Wade accepted, only briefly bemoaning the lack of chocolate fountains. The three of us made our way to the bar, leaving Natasha to scrape jaws off the floor with her very presence. 

“What’s your poison?” Clint asked, gesturing to the bartender. 

“Sex on the beach.” Wade ordered. 

Blue box: Maybe if you play your cards right.

“A Pina Colada sounds awesome.” I ordered. 

“Virgin.” Wade added. 

Blue box: What? 

Yellow box: If you drink, the babies drink. 

Blue box: It’ll put hair on their chests. It’s not like I’m getting hammered. Just a few drinks.

White box: I have to agree with Yellow. 

Yellow box: See? Three against one.

“I am so done with this already.” I bemoaned, sitting heavily in an open chair. I closed my eyes and took a deep, frustrated breath. My boob hurt, my dress felt tight, I was hella exhausted and now I couldn’t have one god damned drink. 

Blue box: These kids are already the bane of my existence. 

“What do you mean?” Wade said. I opened my eyes, startled. He sounded hurt. His shoulders were hunched and it looked like he was... scared. He shouldn’t be scared. I sat up and took his hand. 

“What’s wrong, Honey bun?” I asked, concerned. I squeezed his hand and looked up at him. 

“Nothing?” He answered.

“Do you even want to keep the babies?” Wade said quietly. I swallowed. 

“And this conversation suddenly became very private.” Clint reminded us, getting our attention. He touched Wade’s elbow. “Let me get you two to a private room, with fewer spies.” Wade nodded and slumped after Clint. I sighed and followed, wondering how I was going to fix this.


	10. The Talk

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Drama. Drama Drama. Serious conversations. Mentions the word abortion, in the context of NO abortions.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Serious talks. Real tears. I wasn't sure about this one. I think the conversation is important, and its really a bit of character study, but I kinda like it. Next chapter will be more high jinxs. Let me know what you think. Let me know who you want them to talk to at the party, I'll see what I can do...

Clint took us through the maze of people through a hallway to a side room. He awkwardly told us not to have sex on the couch, then left and shut the doors. Wade’s boxes were silent. I didn’t know what to say. How to explain. 

Wade sat down heavily on the couch and put his head down into his hands. 

White box: You should have known better. No one would willingly have your children.

Yellow box: We have to respect her choice. 

White box: A woman’s right to choose and take them away before they are in my arms. 

Yellow box: They’re just little jellybeans. Not babies. Not yet.

White box: Not ever.

“I’m not getting an abortion.” I said seriously, sitting down on the coffee table in front of him. “I’m going to have the babies, carry them to term and help raise them, hopefully with you.” Wade looked up. I sighed at the mask. 

Blue box: I wish I could see your face. Make I contact so you understand that I’m not lying.

Wade slowly pulled off his mask. It looked like he had been crying, at least a little. I swallowed down the guilt. To make such a strong man cry…

“But you said they were the bane on your existence?” He seemed puzzled. I took a deep breath. 

“I’m not excited.” I told him honestly. “I’ve never dreamed about kids, not a babysitter type.” Wade settled a little more on the couch. “Pregnancy is not something I enjoy. Not probably will enjoy ever. I feel like I’ve been taken over by parasites.”

Blue box: Parasites whose lives, health, and happiness are more important than mine.

“Not more important.” Wade countered. “I’m not expecting you to sacrifice yourself for them.”

“Children require constant personal sacrifice.” I argued. “There are bedtimes, and meal structures, and structuring your life for their well being.

Blue box: Not to mention the fact that neither of us will be sleeping much for the first few months. 

Yellow box: But it’s also a tiny piece of you and me. A little person that we made. 

White box: Two little people. 

“I know.” I agreed. “And I’m on board with that, just… not excited about it.” 

“What can I do to make you excited?” Wade pressed, leaning forward. 

“Give me time.” I smiled. “My mom called me her little Tapeworm until after I was born.” Wade grimaced a little at the name. “I think affectionately calling them Thing 1 and Thing 2 is better than that.” 

“So once they’re born…” He led, trying to get me to finish the sentence. 

“Once they’re born, then they’re like, little miniature humans that poop and cry and have cute little toes. Right now…” I shrugged. “Not so into the lack of control over my own body. I don’t have a lot of control over things.” I paused. “Like none, really. No ID, no money, and the trajectory of my life at this point is kept housewife and mother of two.” I sighed. “Not all that excited.” I think I was crying a little.

Wade pulled me off the coffee table and into his arms. 

“You don’t have to be just a housewife.” Wade said. 

Yellow box: Not there is anything wrong with either of those professions. 

White box: Respect to all the House Spouses.

“I’ll make some calls about the ID and I’ve got a bag of cash with your name on it.”

Yellow box: We bedazzled it for you. 

“I’m not going to trap you inside the house.” He promised. “I’m working on a few business opportunities that might give us some more stable options. And nothing says we can’t get a nanny, especially one like Alice. You can be the Florence Henderson to my Robert Reed.”

“Fewer shoulder pads?” 

“And less casual racism.”


	11. She's beauty, She's grace...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Wade and Maria try to enjoy a Stark Party, when they are set upon by... an abundance of grace and class?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments and kudos are love. Le me know what you think. I lot more uplifting than the last chapter.

We rejoined the party after a quick blow job against the wall. Wade offered to reciprocate, but I didn’t want to mess up the dress. He pulled out a premade rain check card good for ‘one or more orgasms’. I couldn’t help laughing. Wade always made me laugh. 

Blue box: You make me happy.

Yellow box: Back at you toots.

White was interested in trying Stark grade edibles, so we wandered over to the food tables. It was a nice spread. Nice didn’t cover it exactly. 

“Quick, try the caviar before someone realizes I’m not really the princess of Genovia.” Wade said, handing me an incredibly fancy h’orderve. 

“You would make a very cute moose." I said slightly dryly, raising an eyebrow. 

“Make all the boy moose go waaahhhh!” Wade added, much more excitedly. He popped some sort of stuffed miniature pastry in his mouth, paused, then shoved three more in without pausing to chew. I grinned, letting my happiness grow with his exuberance. 

“I don’t remember inviting you.” Said a familiar voice from behind us. We turned to see Tony Fucking Stark looking us up and down, eyebrow raised pointedly. Wade chewed fast. 

Blue box: It’s the Godfather.

White box: If the suit fits. 

“We come to you, on the day of your daughter’s wedding…” Wade began, tone serious and grave as he raised his hands in supplication. I didn’t bother hiding my smile. Seriously, my face muscles were getting a work out. 

“Yeah, yeah, humor shtick.” He hand waved. “Except I can call security come and play.” 

“Come on!” Wade complained. “You’re making me look bad in front of my girlfriend.” Hie voice was a nasaly whine and I think he stomped a foot. “We just want a party!” Tony rolled his eyes and started glancing around for someone. 

“Natasha Romanoff personally let us in.” I said blandly. Tony paused. “I personally will obey her wishes to behave.” Wade nodded emphatically. 

Blue box: Fuck this is stressful. I hope my deodorant holds out.

Tony looked a little torn, then relaxed and shugged. 

“Natasha can pay for any of the stuff you break then.” He frowned in out general direction.

“When the Black Widow tells you to behave with a heavily implied ‘or else,’ then you behave and hope terrifying and nebulous consequences never find you.” Wade said sagely. I nodded in agreement. 

Yellow box: May we never find out what her punishments would be. 

White box: Unless they are part of a kinky threesome. 

Blue box: Or foursome.

Yellow box: Imagine spanking America’s Ass....

“Tony, this is where you got to!” Pepper Potts, goddess of CEOs and seriously how does anyone manage to look that damn put together and amazingly perfect. 

Blue box: I would add her to the imaginary orgy, but we are so not worthy. 

Yellow box: I feel guilty even thinking about it. Like… will she know somehow?

White box: She’s with Tony Fucking Stark. She knows.

Yellow box: So much Fucking they added to his name.

“Pepper, love of my life!” Tony said, sliding a hand into the small of Pepper’s back proprietarily. “Are you enjoying this wonderful party? Do you need anything?” Tony looked at her empty hands. Pepper gave a little arched brow and half smile that looked both exasperated and fond. Tony just brought that out in people.

“Everything is fine, Tony.” She calmed him. “Are you stirring up trouble?” She teased. He disagreed quickly, but Pepper was already turning to us. “Are you enjoying yourselves? Clint told me how much you’ve been helping him out recently, Wade, and it was really the least we could do.” I looked over at Wade, who looked embarrassed. 

Blue box: Lucy, you’ve got some explaining to do.

Yellow box: My recent jobs have been kinda… legit? 

White box: Gasp.

“Thank you Ms. Potts.” Wade mumbled. She smiled kindly. 

“I’m glad you could make it and I look forward to getting to know you and your lovely companion.” She said professionally, but kindly and soothingly. 

Blue box: I want to be her when I grow up.

Yellow box: Samesies 

White box: Mood.

“Would you like some Champagne?” A server cut in with class. Seriously the class around Pepper was immense. We all gracefully (Grace only due to proximity to Pepper. I mean, I felt my pinky finger twitch.) accepted out glasses of champagne and the server went off to hand out some more. Wade twitched. 

Wade quickly and silently drained his glass. Tony did the same, looking out over the room. Pepper and I looked at each other, not drinking, and then we looked down at each other’s glasses. Wade reached for mine the same time Tony reached for Pepper’s. They started sipping the second glass in unison, dropping off their empties with a passing wait staff member. The glassed hit the tray in unison, and the two of the them turned back to the conversation. 

Pepper and I made Significant eye contact. She raised an eyebrow, glazing at my stomach. I nodded and did same. She gave a small smile and a slight nodd. 

Blue box: Holy crap Pepper’s pregnant. 

Wade kept himself from spitting champagne all over Pepper due to her proximity and poise, which was a contagion that needed to be research in more detail. Seriously, I think it might be another one of her super powers. 

“Congratulations.” Wade said quietly. Like legitimately quietly. Another weird and classy Pepper aura thing. It was understated for Christ’s sakes. 

“Thank you.” Pepper said with her usual grace. “The same to you. Tony looked confused for a micro second, and then his giant brain worked it out through however much alcohol he had consumed over the evening. 

“Wow.” He said. Pepper looked at him. He cleared his throat. “Congratulations, I mean.” Pepper gave his a small smile as a reward for good behavior. He smiled back. It was adorable and made him look ten years younger. 

“We’ll have to get together.” Pepper said, pulling out a business card and handing it over to me. I took it was hands that didn’t tremble by sheer force of will. “Give me a call after New Years, and we’ll set something up. She turned and kissed Tony on the cheek. “You are due to talk to Senator Harrison.” He cleared his throat and nodded. She smiled at us kindly. “We’ll talk late Maria. It was nice to meet Wade.” She gave us a little elegant head nod at our own goodbyes and took Tony away in such a manner as it looked lite she was being escorted. 

Yellow box: She’s beauty. She’s grace. 

White box: She a thousand times classier than a national swimsuit competition. 

Blue box: I think I might need to sit down. 

“Why?” He asked, concerned. 

Blue box: Pepper Potts gave me her business card. I think I need a moment.

Yellow box: You and me both.


	12. Season's Greetings, My Dudes.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Christmas time in the Wilson household. Aw, the joy the season brings.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Now updating weekly at least until September. Let me know what you think! I thrive on feed back. Thank you for reading! Also, let me know if there is a cameo that you really want to see as I plan going forward and I will try to work it in.

Wade had brought that seven foot tall monstrosity into our living room. It took up one entire corner, which, to be fair, had been empty. It hulked in its place, and had to be anchored in place to the ceiling by rope just so it didn’t crush anyone. I was going to be cleaning up after it for weeks.

Though it was kinda pretty. 

Wade was currently baking and cooking up a storm in the kitchen and the smells were heavenly. I was chewing on some his ginger candy and sipping on ginger ale while organizing and unpacking the decorations for the monstrosity. Little glass balls that were definitely going to break. Tiny angels and snowmen in various poses. A collection of repurposed toy zoo animals with new ornament hooks inserting in their backs and heads. Miniature Condiments with hanging loops. Handmade clay creations, half of which I’m pretty sure were supposed to be penises. 

The popcorn popper finally stopped and Wade brought two buckets of popcorn into the living room. He set it down next to the thread and needles with satisfaction. I looked at him pointedly. 

Blue box: I was promised popcorn to eat for my labor. 

Yellow box: The butter is finishing melting, I’ll go fix it.

“Be back in two jiffies!” Wade informed me, leaving me with two Home Depot buckets of Popcorn. You know, the super classy orange ones and were made to hold large quantities of trash, dirty water, great stepstools. Look very convenient but you rarely actually use, but can’t get rid of. The tree loomed behind me threateningly. 

Wade brought back a large mixing bowl full of buttery and salty popcorn for us both to share. I had been miserable all morning. I woke up throwing up. Literally. Sat up and vomited in bed. Then I declared it Wade’s problem and vomited some more in the bathroom while he changed the sheets. Wade had decided to purchase and/or make anything Ginger related he could think of

We now had Ginger bread cookies with crystalized ginger. pickled ginger, ginger candy, which is not to be confused with Candied Ginger. My ever present ginger ale. Then the ginger beer and even the ginger tea that he just gave me made from the huge amount of raw ginger in the fridge. 

Blue box: Are you secretly into figging and didn’t tell me? 

White box: Hadn’t considered it. 

Yellow box: But we will now. 

“The cookies are cooling so I can ice them later. You are not allowed to touch the ones I leave nest to the window by the fire escape.” Wade demanded/pleaded. I frowned. 

“Why is that?” I started putting the ornaments on the giant tree. 

“Because they’re for Santa.” Wade said obviously. He had talked of Santa ad nauseum all month. Actually, I think the first time he mentioned him was during Thanksgiving clean up. 

Yellow box: Everyone knows that Santa uses the fire escapes in NYC.

White box: Less likely to get stabbed.

“This tree will look magnificent for Santa.” Wade promised, stringing popcorn with a startling amount of skill. The lights were already strung and I just randomly scattered ornaments from the boxes as artfully as I could. As I was going through the handmade ones, I found two little picture frames. 

“Wade.” I said, holding them up. “Did you really?” I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry. 

“Of course!” Wade confirmed. “No Christmas is complete without the ‘Fetus’ FIrst Christmas’ ornaments!” I just smiled and hung his carefully crafted creations in a place of honor.

“I just hope we get this done in time for bed.” I reminded him. 

“Of course!” Wade promised. “Santa won’t come if we don’t go to sleep!” I smiled at him fondly and couldn’t resist blowing him a kiss. He caught it and pressed it to his cheek with a smile. 

++++++++++

“It’s X-mas!” Wade announced, springing up out of bed as soon as his 6 am alarm went off. I took a deep breath and stretched. At least this morning I wasn’t throwing up. I sat up and immediately had to run to the bathroom to vomit. Fuck. This. Noise. Wade made sympathetic noises and rubbed my back. As I brushed my teeth he got me one of the literally hundreds of bottles of ginger ale and one of the dozens of boxes of saltines. He ordered online. 

“Oh, what I surprise!” Wade said in faux surprised, measured tones. “Santa ate all of the cookies! And look! The reindeers ate the carrots too! Nothing but crumbs and stems.” Um hum. They did, you adorable man. 

I drank some ginger ale and nibbled while Wade oohed and Awed over the pile of presents, this much more genuine. He was bouncing with excitement. I told my stomach that bouncing was not allowed. Wade respected the no bouncing for the tummy rule and kneeled in front of me as calmly as he could. 

“Is it time for presents?” Wade pleaded. I smiled and nodded. He whooped in joy and dug into the pile. He started to separate things into piles, only to pause and stare at a present. 

“Santa got me presents.” He whispered. I grinned. 

Blue box: Of course he did. You’ve been a good boy.

And the pile of coal Wade had left for himself was easy enough to move. 

Wade tore open the wrapping paper and gasped. 

“My Little Pony Coloring Books!” He squealed. He looked at me with wide and grateful eyes. I smiled. 

“See, Santa knew you were a good boy this year.” I reminded him. “Why don’t you check if he brought you any more?” Wade jumped up and set the books carefully on the coffee table before looking for more. He ripped open the box and quickly looked inside. 

“Silly putty!” He shouted. He pulled out more. “And play doh, and slime, and glitter slime, and more putty, and clay and O. M. G.” He looked at me, freeze frame style. 

Yellow box: We have to take a little bit of all of these and put it in the blender. 

White box: In the name of SCIENCE. 

Blue box: Well, if it’s for SCIENCE…

“Get the blender.” Wade instructed. I stood to comply. “This is going to be legend… wait for it…”


	13. Captain Santa Baby

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's and Ugly Sweater party!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Love and a hug to everyone who wants one. Thank you for reading. As always, let me know what you think and who you want to see.

“...dary.” Wade said. “Legendary.” 

“It’s just a Ugly Holiday Sweater party.” I shrugged. “I still can’t believe this many people came.”

“I’m at a party with Captain Freaking America,” Wade said proudly. 

Blue box: Not counting that other Stark Party that you were also at with Captain America.

Yellow box: Doesn’t count. Didn’t talk to him.

White box: This time he shook out hand.

Yellow box: We may never wash it again.

Blue box: Don’t worry: I got him to agreed to donate the sweater to us afterwards. You can have all the Captain Cooties you like.

Yellow box: Marry me.

“And Natasha Romanoff herself got him into that fabulously ugly sweater,” I commented, looking at the Captain’s beautiful masterpiece. It nearly distracted me from Natasha’s fake deep V neck sweater with fantastic hairy man boobs. But Cap’s. Cap’s showed old 50’s style cartoon Captain America in a Santa Baby-esk flimsy red number posing by a giant candy cane. In wonderfully bold letters, It asked if this was naughty or nice. Steve was bright red whenever anyone looked at it, and only Natasha’s presence kept it on. Bucky couldn’t stop laughing and poking fun at him, his own ‘Mazel Tov’ Drunken Rabbi glittering.. 

Wade’s sweater read ‘Let’s TACO ‘bout the holidays,’ and I was so proud. He had gotten me one that read ‘Nacho traditional Christmas’ in the same color scheme and he pulled me in for a photo Clint was taking. 

Weasel was enjoying the money he was making. It was taking place at his bar and we had paid to rent it out for one afternoon. Wade had bought a new foosball table for the event. Spiderman was playing with Pietro, which was almost fair. We went to the bar to grab out drinks from Weasel.

“You better ge that thing out of here today,” Weasel threatened. Wade grinned through the mask. 

“Don’t worry, I have a plan for that,” Wade promised. Weasel rolled his eyes and went back to getting Logan another drink. We had unanimously agreed and officially declared Wolverine’s horrific plaid shirt was ugly enough to attend the ugly themed party. Logan was chatting with Colossus at the bar. 

Blue box: Logan’s shirt should get an honorable mention in the contest. 

Yellow box: If only because it will piss him off.

White box: But you have to tell him, because it will piss him off more that he can’t stab you because of it. 

Blue box: I get an extra coffee tonight.

Yellow box: Deal. 

Wanda laughed in victory as both Pietro and Peter declared her the foosball champion, because they were whipped. Peter’s little sweater was adorable, with little spiders with Christmas hats. Pietro’s had so much neon that I couldn’t make out the pattern with the pain in my eyes. 

“Does Clint know that Yukio and Nega are a couple?” Wade whispered, pointing to where Clint was showing off to the girls at darts and “teaching” them to play. I chuckled. 

“Yes,” I assured him. “I told him myself in clear terms and used the word lesbian three times.”

“So either he is super oblivious, or he’s still hoping for a lesbian or voyeristic threesome.” Wade offered. I grinned. 

“I’m actually betting he is just that into teaching darts,” I countered. “He is very into archaic weaponry.” 

Yellow box: Could be a fettish. 

Blue box: As amusing as that would be, I’m actually thinking no. Those gym shorts don’t hide much. 

White box: They certainly don’t hide that he leans to the left. 

“Speaking of leaning to the left, Dopinder is about to throw up on a national treasure,” I pointed to a very drunk Dopinder swaying towards Steve’s back, and, more importantly, his ass.

“I will go be his knight and shining armor,” Wade said valiantly, tipping back his drink.

Blue box: If you get a kiss, kiss me next so I can taste him too.

Yellow box: Deal.


	14. Ringing in the year right

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There be smut ahead. Just FYI, Wade perverted a well know children's book. If you disapprove, I'm sorry, but Wade has little barriers when it come to such things. And he may have implied you are all voyeurs... But that's just him... All his fault. Anyway, Happy New Years!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> See the warnings. Wade is a warning just by being Wade, and I figure, that's what we're here for. There was a minor bit of relationship development, bu mostly, smut. Let me know if you have suggestions. Con crit is welcome, but Wade has a mind of his own, so who knows where this story will go. Love you all and Thanks for reading!

“Would you care for some more sparkling cider, my Queen?” Wade offered. I grinned and accepted a refill. Wade and I were dressed super fancy, with my hair all done up and Wade in his tux. We had decided to throw a party for two in out living room and it was going really well. Everyone was having a great time. 

We had gone all out with the buffet, had all the dishes and hors d'oeuvres specially made for the event. There was caviar and oysters and baked brie and pigs in a blanket and it was fancy as all fuck. Wade had forgone the Champagne for sparkling cider and micro brewed root beer, on tap. We were eating better than fourth generation ivy league super white and subtly racist frat boys who weren’t sure if they were gay or just, like, really really good bros.

“Why, I would love some more bubbly, my King,” I said with a smile. I leaned back into the throne Wade had created with balsa wood, glue, fabric, and love. His part of the matching set was just as elegant, but had just a bit more glitter. Only fair, he did make them. 

“To New Years and New Lives and the Newsies,” Wade toasted. I grinned and we clinked glasses. He was in a great mood. He had had a mission last week, and it had gone good enough that he celebrated with icecream and he was still riding the high. I looked over at him and smiled. He grinned at me widely. His suit was tailored and showed off his excellent muscles. This was the man that I choose. Damn I picked good. 

Blue box: Would it be inappropriate to ask to ride you like a cowgirl right now? 

Yellow box: It is never an inappropriate time to ask for cowgirl. 

White box: Maybe at a funeral.

Yellow box: Depends on the funeral. Some of them have more fun than others.

“Was that a yes?” I suggested. He grinned and hopped off his throne. He offered his hand and helped me down off my throne. 

“It’s a hell yes with whipped cream on top,” he told me happily. He pulled me in for a kiss. I melted as his tongue swept into me mouth and made me forget my next thought. I moaned into his mouth as his thigh slipped between my legs and rubbed against me perfectly. His strong arms held me firmly and I suddenly had the urge to go with wall sex instead.

Blue box: New plan. Rip my panties, lift me up, and fuck me against the wall. 

Wade groaned into me mouth and pulled back. 

“I suppose this really hasn’t been living up to an explicit rating,” He said with a grin, walking me backwards until my back hit a wall. I don’t even care which one. “Got to give our audience what they want.” 

“Exibitionist,” I teased. He reached down and hiked up my dress. 

“I don’t see you saying no,” he teased. He slid his fingers under my panties and I felt them rip under his strong hands. He slid his fingers into my wetness. “I think you like it too.” I moaned and wrapped a leg around his waist. Wade juggled for a second to reach into his pocket and pull out a condom. 

Blue box: Convenient.

Yellow box: Please. Its been more than 12 hours, I have excellent pattern recognition. 

White box: And object permanence. 

“Just put the condom on and fuck me,” I demanded, feeling his fingers teasing me more. Wade fumbled for a second, unzipping his pants, nearly dropped the condom and I had to support him so he didn’t fall over. I laughed. He grumbled. I laughed some more. 

“Fuck!” I yelled as he trust into me.

“That’s one way to stop you from laughing at me,” he teased. I whined and bit his shoulder. 

Blue box: You like it when I laugh. 

Yellow box: Because we like you happy. 

White box: And we know you’re not going to humiliate us. You like us.

“Introspection and fucking,” I said breathlessly. He hummed and pumped his hips, making me gasp. “Could be heavier on the fucking.” Wade growled and lifted me off the ground. My legs went around him waist and I held on as he pumped his hips harder, his cock deliciously sliding in and out of me. Wordless sounds and moans came out of me mouth. 

Blue box: I more than like you.

Yellow box: We more than like you too.

He kept going like a freight train, fucking me through a screaming orgasm, grunting in my ear. I held on tightly as he hammered away. 

Blue box: Aren’t you just the little engine that could?

Yellow box: I think I can… I think I can… make you come again.

His hand went to me clit rubbing in time with the action of his hips and I practically convulsed with my next orgasm. 

White box: I knew I could.

Blue box: Feel free to prove me wrong again.

“Yes ma’am,” He agreed, picking up the pace again. I screamed his name and I could feel him smile against my neck. “We’ve got a little less than an hour until the ball drops.”

Blue box: Heh. Ball drops.

“And I’m thinking I take you into the bedroom and see if how many times I can make you come before I bring in the new year right.” 

“Yes, please.”

“I knew you’d see things my way,” Wade joked, stepping back from the wall, still carrying me, and still inside me. 

Blue box: Are you seriously going to walk to the bedroom inside me?

Yellow box: I think I can… I think I can...


	15. The Hangover

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is mostly fluff. I am not ashamed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Missed last week due to family commitments. I plan on making it up to you next week with two. Love and warm hugs.

The party was going well. About a quarter of the attendees with asleep, lounging on bean bags and cushions scattered about. Logan was even comfortably chatting with Bucky by the snacks, drinking beer specifically bought for him. Everyone else was steering clear of alcohol. That was kinda the point of the Hangover Party. 

My Idea was. New Years Eve is fun. You get drunk and party. And then the next day you want to curl up and die. So now we can all want to curl up and die together!

Clint had showed up still partially drunk, with a still definitely drunk Darcy Lewis and Promptly stollen three packs of oreos. Jokes on them: I bought a case. Costco memberships are great. Darcy was curled up mostly on top of Clint, who was taking turns feeding them both oreos. It would have been sweet if for the fact that She was definitely wearing last night’s dress, and Clint seemed to have forgotten how to chew with his mouth closed. They were either banging, or super not caring. Or both. They both seemed to give no shits. 

Steve was busy trying to clean the scorch marks off the tile in the kitchen, to little success. Bless his smol little heart. He was just adorable. I needed to remember to give him another hug later. 

Blue box: Wade, reminded me to hug Steve later, he’s being adorable.

Yellow box: I am getting a lost puppy vibe. Must be the lack of Spider. 

White Box: You didn’t hear it from me, but she left on a mission for our Pirate Director two days ago. 

Blue box: Thus the compulsion to give him hugs and cookies. He’s remarkably young for such an old fossil. 

White box: Aged like fine wine. 

Yellow box: That scorch mark is never coming out. Hot Pants did a through job.

I giggled, remembering the look on his face as he tried to burn away the smell. He succeeded, but at what cost. Wade winked at me from across the room, were he was chatting with Scott Summers, who appeared to be partially unconscious, and mostly just nodded in agreement. Jean Grey looked amused as hell.

Johnny Storm had made the brilliant decision to flame on in the middle of the kitchen, with people around him, all because he got a little vomit on him. 

Yellow box: Serves his right for hitting on you. I did like how you aimed and bot him right in the face.

Blue box: I should just wear a name tag that says Wade’s girlfriend, huh? 

White box: I’m going to say that this is a trap and I agree with you 100% and you are both powerful and beautiful. 

Yellow box: Have we told you you remind us of Black Widow? 

Blue box: Flattery is going to get you laid later. 

Yellow box: Awesome. 

White box: We need to pick up more condoms. 

Blue box: Not that I don’t appreciate the lack of mess, and stain on my dress last night, but you do remember I’m already preggers? 

Yellow box: I could get you more Preggers? 

White box: Unlikely. Moron.

Yellow box: You never know. Aliens. Magic. Sex pollen. 

Blue box: Just think, tonight could be… bare. My Teddy Bear. 

Wade shivered from across the room so hard I could see it clearly. I finished restocking snacks and took a bowl of Caramel Popcorn to Storm and Wanda, who seemed to be getting on like a house on fire. Pietro had left earlier because he was bored, but Wanda seemed to be having a good time. I winced at an errant thought.

Blue box: Not to self, never let the punch at a superhero party just spiked, no matter what Tony Stark says.

Yellow box: Why? Sounds like a good time.

Blue box: Imagine Wanda and all her powers drunk. Now add Storm and Jean Grey and think about it.

Wade shivered so hard that Jean asked if he was OK. I glanced pointedly at the corner, where Spiderman and Bruce Banner were talking pleasantly. Wade’s eyebrows furrowed and he nodded slightly. I spread a blanket over a sleeping Tony Stark, sprawled out on a loveseat, drooling. He had come last minute, and seemed more sleep deprived than drunk, and had fallen asleep fifteen minutes into the Tumblina. It was good to see him relax, and Bruce smile. 

Blue box: Not too bad a showing, huh?

Yellow box: You did good, kid. You did good.


	16. Lunch

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lunch with her Idol

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for the love!

I was going to pass out. I’m pretty sure there was only so much hyperventilating someone could do before they passed out, right? I just had to calm down. How hard could it be to calm down?

Blue box: Keep Calm and Carry On.

Or in my case, keep super stressed and anxious and hope I don’t sweat through my deodorant. 

“I’m so glad you could make time to have lunch with me today,” Pepper (Censored Expletive) Potts said, sipping her tea like a lady. I was going to have a fangirl meltdown. I carefully took a sip of my own tea.

“I alway have time for Pepper Potts,” I promised. Seriously. She called two days ago and I nearly had a panic attack on the phone. Wade and I went on a shopping trip for the perfect outfit for lunch with Pepper Potts. He took pictures or me before I left like I was going to prom, he was so proud. 

Pepper smiled at me kindly. Such class. She started a quiet conversation about the lunch choices and gently made me relax a little into the chair. I think I was overly conscious of my posture, but who wouldn’t be? She laughed at my little attempts at humor and by the time we ordered and out food arrived, I could breathe normally and was smiling. Witchcraft.

“I was very pleased with the outcome of your gathering last week,” Pepper told me. I swallowed a bit of my delicious sandwich, wide eyed. 

“Thank you,” I said, not sure of how to deal with this. Really. How does one deal with this? “It’s not a big deal.”

“On the contrary, Tony and Steve went to the same gathering without fighting each other even once,” Pepper informed me. “In fact, they spoke without fighting yesterday about it.” My eyebrows rose. “Their relationship is famously antagonistic, and in three of your little gatherings, you have managed to get them in the same room and having fun.” I was a little shocked. 

“They deserve to have a little fun and relax with all they do,” I argued. She smiled at me. 

“I agree,” she said, too easily. There was something else going on here. “In fact I would love to help you in setting up a gathering like the ones you’ve done about twice a month at least to gather some of our heroes together.” I nodded dumbfounded, as she handed over a folder. I looked it over as she spoke. “I’m willing to help connect you to contacts for locations and resources and give you a budget.” I looked over it, wide eyed, then back up at her. 

“What’s the catch?” I asked, confused. She smiled. 

“You have to get Tony Stark and Steve Rogers to attend and not fight,” she said, eyebrows raised challengingly. I swallowed. That might actually be difficult. 

“Do I get to decide the guest list otherwise?” I asked, checking. She nodded. 

“I had heard you were inviting some vigilantes and other heroes,” she told me. “As long as there is peaceful cooperation. I nodded quickly. 

“All about peaceful cooperation,” I agreed. Holy Crap, I think this was actually happening. 

“So you agree?” she asked, eye brow arched artfully. I nodded. 

“Yes, I’m in,” She smiled at me widely and shook my hand. 

“I’m looking forward to your next gathering,” she said, leadingly. 

Blue box: Crap, now I have to think of an idea.


	17. Winter Wonderland

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Winter parties. 8 weeks pregnant. Wade being adorable.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have not forgotten about this, and will not. Sometimes the muse takes a vacation... Please let me know what you think!

My next idea was given to me in the middle of the night when the snow started falling all over the city. Even better, when I checked the weather report, the snow extended north for a good long ways, even getting deeper. It was going to be nearly a blizzard. 

Blue box: Snow Forts. 

Yellow box: Snow Angels. Snow People. Snow Balls. Snow sculptures. Snowmobile. Snow blower. Snowflake. Snow globe. 

White box: Lost the train. 

Yellow box: Oh, Polar Express! 

White box: As long as there’s an ice cold Coke. 

Yellow box: and lots of white powders of various kinds. 

“I like your idea, I think I’ll use it.” I told Wade, grabbing my tablet off my bed side table and starting to make notes rapidly. 

“I told you you’d come around to converting the half bath into a miniature spa,” Wade said wisely, not bothering to sit up and simply curling around my lower half to snuggle in. I lifted the tablet to accommodate him and searched for possible locations. 

“Not that, the Snow People,” I corrected him. “There is no use in having a spa you can’t lie down in. Better to combine the half and full bath and get a jacuzzi tub.” Wade hummed. 

“Can there be little cucumber slices?” he queried. I hummed in agreement. 

“We could add in a cabinet for bath and spa products,” I added, using Google maps to get a good look at the places. “Ooh, this looks perfect.” 

“Did you find a jacuzzi?” he asked. I chuckled. 

“I found our Winter Wonderland.” 

0000000000

Pepper was scary efficient. I pitched my idea, and all of the sudden she had lists of people to contact and JARVIS was doing ruthlessly thorough background checks. Two days of running around and one giant Target run and we were done. 

The land that we were renting for the day was covered in a good foot of snow. Many of the roads were impassible, and some of the X-men and the Avengers had taken jets to avoid the traffic and hassle. Now, about 15 of the worlds mightiest heroes were laughing and throwing snow at each other, while making snow sculptures and snow people. 

Everyone was bundled up, with the exceptions of Vision and a visiting Thor, who apparently did not feel the cold with way us mortals did. Darcy and Jane were helping Thor make a giant snowman that was going to make the extra snow makers we had hired worth it all on its own. Thor was flying to get pieced into place. Which was cheating. Tony had complained. Steve had agreed, and now the two of them were, mostly peacefully, building a model snow fort that had multiple floors and was easily ten feet across. They had recruited Vison to help with the tallest bits, because if Thor’s team had a flier, than theirs had to have one too. 

Blue box: They’re all a bunch a cheaters, never mind that their is no competition involved. 

“Are you talking about Wanda, or Storm?” Wade asked, gesturing to the two women. Both were using their powers to create beautiful sculptures of snow. Wanda’s snow bird with intricate feathers was eye catching, but Ororo’s sweeping grand staircase was beautiful as well. 

“In this case, I was referring to Clint and Bucky, who are clearly sniping to get snow down everyone’s shirts,” I said, smiling at the gentle snowball fight. Sam was getting hit frequently, but Natasha was on his team. Clint as Bucky’s team up and the resulting dripping cold wet messes were mostly likely going to receive spidery retribution. I shivered at the thought of being on the receiving end of that. 

White box: Are you cold? Do you need more blankets? 

Yellow box: Maybe hot chocolate? We should get her hot chocolate. 

Wade ran over to the the hospitality area before I could say anything and came back with a fresh cup of hot chocolate, and grabbed a blanket on the way. I was sitting at the edge of the break station, which had towels and warm air and bathrooms. 

“Thank you for the 5th blanket,” I said, trying not to smile. Wade grinned. 

“I just want you all to be toasty but not at all like toast,” he said genuinely. I smiled fondly at him. 

“You’re taking good care of us,” I promised him. I kinda wanted to go join the snowball fight, but, given the sniping Bucky and Clint were doing, it seemed like a bad idea. Plus, it made Wade feel better, and I didn’t have to get cold and wet. 

“I think Pietro is about to mess up Peter and Bruce’s project,” I warned Wade. Wade glanced over and grimaced. Bruce and Peter wear making some sort of scientific model that I wasn’t schooled enough to recognize. And Pietro looked like he was bored and wanted to knock it down. 

Blue box: I would like to avoid Hulk outs.

Yellow box: At least unexpected ones. 

White box: Still say Hulk should go play on the other side of the hill. 

Blue box: After sledding, but before chilli. 

“As you wish, oh great minder of the time tables,” Wade said, giving me a quick kiss before calling out to Pietro.


End file.
